Should You Stay or
Should You Go?
Can it work to stay in a relationship with someone
who has cheated on you?
By Lisa Daily
Every week I get about 50 letters from women and men who want
to know if they should stay with someone who has cheated on
them. Nearly always, the letter is peppered with reasons why
the cheater might have been compelled to cheat, and sometimes
even includes rationale why it never would have happened had
it not been for the evil home-wrecker who hypnotized the poor,
innocent, cheater and forced them into actions against his/her
will. The request for help is usually fairly evenly divided
between "what should I do?" and "how can I
make it stop?"
While I consider myself to be quite the mushball romantic,
my feelings on cheating have a much harder edge. Cheating,
in my opinion, is a deal-breaker.
Stay with a cheater, cheat yourself.
Why shouldn't you stay with someone who cheats on you? If
it happens once, it will happen again. Why? If you stay with
man or woman who has cheated on you, you've essentially taught
them that they can sleep with somebody else and you'll take
them back. Wow, that's pretty great news for them!
The first time someone cheats on you, he has the most to lose
because he doesn't know what your reaction will be. But, once
he's weathered the initial storm, he's knows precisely how
you'll react. By the time he's cheated on you twice, three
times, thirty-eight times, he knows exactly what to expect.
Lots of crying and screaming, followed by a few weeks or months
of good behavior on his part. And then, he's on to his next
aerobics instructor/co-worker/mall vendor. Repeat.
Even if you manage to get past the lies, the heartache, and
the ten pounds you'll put on with comfort food, a cloud will
always hang over your relationship. You'll never truly feel
cherished, or completely loved. And you deserve better than
that, don't you? Why torture yourself with feelings of self-doubt
and insecurity? Tell that cheater to hit the road, lock yourself
in your apartment with your closest friends, a stack of sappy
movies (or action flicks) and a couple quarts of your favorite
brand of frozen happiness. Move on, and find someone who gives
you the love and respect you deserve.
You have the power here. Let me say it again: People will
only treat you as poorly (or as well) as you allow them to.
So, draw a line in the sand. As of today, your high standards
are renewed.
Now that you're weeding out the losers, what will you do on
Saturday night? Here's the answer: You'll only date people
who treat you with respect and kindness and dignity. You'll
only date people who are enthusiastic to be around you.
I chose to date only men who brought me sweets and opened
my car door as well, but that's optional, depending on your
affinity for good manners and chocolate. From now on, you'll
only date people who treat you as though you are a Christmas
gift to the universe. This may narrow the field a little in
the beginning, but once you get the hang of it, you'll have
only the best dates to choose from. And that's really what
it's all about, isn't it?
There's no advice or magic wand to turn a cheater or abuser
into a prince or princess. Consider them a lost cause and
move on. Once you set your standards back where they belong,
you'll be able to meet and maintain a relationship with the
kind of person you truly want to be with.
Lisa Daily is the author of Stop Getting Dumped!
All you need to know to make men fall madly in love
with you and marry "The One" in 3 years or less.
At bookstores everywhere.
As seen in/on Cosmopolitan, The Other Half and Ricki Lake
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